How a practical joke learnt me how to deal with anger

How do you deal with your own anger in a way you feel much better afterwards instead of very bad? During my whole life, it always made me feel uncomfortable to feel anger. For me, there were only 2 ways to deal with anger:

1. Try to neglect it and act as if it is not there, but then it can eat you from inside afterwards

2. Live it fully and burst out, but feel overwhelmed by pity afterwards,
because you made a real mess.

Two years ago I learnt a third, more superior way. At that time, I was on a theater course holiday in Barcelona with a small group of artistic people and professional theatre teachers. At one of the sunny day mornings, the teacher tought us how to act out the four basic emotions: joy, sadness, fear and anger.

We had a lot of fun with playing all these emotions in many different ways. We laughed like we never had done before, whined for all sad reasons you could imagine, felt all kinds of possible fears and experienced all kinds of possible anger, ranging from slight irritation until real energetic outburst of extreme furiosity.

I agreed with one of my favorite actresses, the beautiful Tania, to put our newborn knowledge into practice by making a practical joke with it.

The practical joke.

We would play being angry with each other.

The plan was to do it that evening, at the drink after dinner with our group of
about 30 people. There was no much need for repetition, because the great lessons of that morning were still fresh in both our memories. When the time was there, Tania and me started with a small argument, exchanging some little irritations and gradually built up the tension.

Very soon this attracted the attention of some actors around us. They looked
very surprised and even lightly shocked, and tried to calm both of us down. But
we playfully neglected their good intentions and continued with building up the
anger up until the moment we started yelling to each other and provoked each
other to throw beer and water at each other. Our practical joke was working
like hell

We had the attention of the whole group now and several people tried to calm us down. It started to become very hilarious.

When the people became aware it was not so easy to stop us, it made them even
more crazy. They really believed that we had a serious argument. Of course, we
were wonderful actors

But at the same time I noticed that it became more
and more difficult to see the difference between what was reality and what was
a play.

Finally, I decided to end the joke and changed my mood from anger to
laughing within seconds, while telling everybody that is was just a practical
joke. But nobody believed that. They were shocked once again and did not know
what to think anymore. Even when Tania told them the same thing, nobody
believed her either. Even after we made a little hugging show and laughed with
it, they did not believe it. They just thought we were making up again

I realised something profound:

People are not able to make the difference between played and real anger.

Only Tania and me had fun about our whole act. No one else was able to laugh
with it, nor could anybody actually believe it had only been a practical joke.
For them there has been a real danger. And unfortunately, the whole evening the
sense of fear and danger stayed in the air.

Some months later, back in Belgium, I had the opportunity to repeat the same
anger play when being out with a mate in an after-work party. At that time I
was single and my friend and me started talking to a nice looking women in the
pub. But she acted very bitchy, unfriendly and acted she like could not
understand her own mother tongue. How stupid could that be?

I decided to play my anger act and started to yell in an angry way to her for 30 seconds. Then, I decided it was ok and suddenly stopped and started talking in normal tone to my friend as nothing was happened. The bitchy women was shocked, but nobody interrupted our interaction. So she ‘suddenly’ started talking ‘normal’ in her own language, but my friend and me neglected her and left the scene while softly smiling.
After this second deep experience, I compiled a method out of it to deal with anger. It proved to be very effective and became my preferred way to deal with my own anger.

The third way of dealing with anger with somebody in four steps

1) Disconnect your anger with the reality

Be aware that you are not your emotion. You are not your anger. In the same
situation, some people will be angry and some of them not. It is a personal
emotion and you can disconnect from it. See the situation as it truly is beyond
the emotion.

2) Ask yourself: “What makes me angry?”

Stay relaxed while thinking about what makes you angry. What is hurting you so
much that you react with anger? You become angry because something happens
which you did not expect and it probably violates what your values are. You can
become angry because you feel rejected, neglected, etc. … Find out for yourself what the real driver of your anger is and find a way to change your perspective and balance your emotions.

3) Ask yourself “What is appropriate?”

In some situations it is better not to react angry at all. If you become angry
with a police officer, with some authority person or in a potential dangerous
place like the subway during night, etc … it is not wise to react in an angry
way. Just don’t do it. Think instead constructively about how to get out of the
situation.

4) If appropriate, act “being angry” for a short time only

• Act “being angry” with this is mind:

Overact your anger.

• Use louder voice, use more face expression, movements and emotion than you actually feel.

If done well, this kind of anger creates fear. And that’s what you want to create in a small dose. As a side effect, it releases your own anger as well

• Do it for a very short time only and stop suddenly.

Look whether you create fear and general silence with your audience.

• Stop about 10-15 seconds after you notice this response.

• Smile and start talking calm again.

Show the major shift in your emotion as clear as possible. This creates shock
and intrigue.

At this moment most people will accept almost anything. Just give them your message now.

I’m very curious now whether this acting method would also work as effective
for you as it works for me. Do you have other effective ways to deal with your
own anger?
The lines are open …

Photo made by xmaces’s

Related posts:

• How to change your perspective and balance your emotions
• I’ll do it my way and why is it so important
• How to become aware of your blueprint of life
• Master your fear with a simple trick

4 Responses to “How a practical joke learnt me how to deal with anger”

Comment from Paul
Time August 22, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Nice post!

I know from experience that when a person has enough reasons (and is aware of them) not to show his anger he will not be angry

Comment from Marc van der Linden
Time August 22, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Thanks Paul,

Very nice remark. That is indeed one of the important points I wanted to make: people can influence their own anger, by hiding it or using it in another effective way. You are not your emotion, but you can use your emotion. However, there is a risk that anger can eat you from inside if you don’t deal with it in a conscious way. Therefor, it is wise to have principles how to deal with your anger in the most effective way. Probably there are many good ways to deal with own anger. This one is one which works well for me.

Thanks again for commenting!

Comment from Justin | Mazzastick
Time August 23, 2011 at 3:43 am

Hey Marc,
I was a lot like you. I didn’t have an effective way of dealing with or expressing anger. It was either repress it or express it loudly and forcibly.

I liked the acting your anger out story. I was thinking if many actors are people that have trouble expressing their emotions and acting became a powerful and safe alternative for expressing emotions.
Justin | Mazzastick recently posted..The Importance Of Breathing Exercises

Comment from Marc van der Linden
Time August 23, 2011 at 7:34 am

Hey Justin,

It is a great point you bring up! There are many forms of acting, improvisation theater or even ‘mask’ playing which can be used to learn to express emotions or even can be used for therapeutic reasons. And I believe many actors – not all – actually use it that way. I recommend it for everyone who likes to learn to express emotions in a safe way.

Thanks for commenting!

Write a comment

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail